Missing the Boat

Dear City of Mobile officials, please consider these suggestions for converting Downtown’s cruise terminal into a moneymaker.

Bellingrath Gardens North
When that beautiful drive to Theodore seems a little too far, or thunderheads are rolling in and you’d still like to enjoy one last walk through a world of azaleas and camellias, this branch of the beautiful gardens would be a perfectly convenient escape. While the elegant, historic Bellingrath home would be missing, some well-placed curtains of wisteria would cause you to forget your urban surroundings and create the perfect scene for …

A Wedding Venue
Marry in a waterfront ceremony sans the high cost and hassle of more popular locations. Can’t you just hear the bells ringing and the bluebirds chirping? Except, instead of bells, it’s CSX train whistles, and instead of bluebirds, it’s a flock of gulls angrier than Uncle Henry at a vegan potluck. And while you’re there, go on and kick off the honeymoon immediately at …

A Cruise Simulator
Who needs the open seas when you can have bookoodles of fun inside a refurnished cruise terminal, complete with a putt-putt golf course, shuffleboard courts and a waterslide? Sunscreen? Who needs sunscreen? Plus, every 500th guest will be locked in a non-functioning bathroom for six days and fed only onion and cucumber sandwiches!

Parking for That New Downtown BayBears Stadium
There’s nothing Mobilians hate more than when those landsmen in Birmingham have something fancier than us, and now that the Barons have a beautiful new downtown baseball stadium, our fair city must rectify the mistake made 16 years ago down U.S. Highway 90. Any day now … annnny day now.

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New, “Scaled Back” Press-Register Offices
The Water Street behemoth must be rather drafty these days, what with all the empty cubicles and seldom-used printers. Our esteemed paper should auction off all that paraphernalia to antique hunters and move to the river. It seems to be where most of the breaking news is happening lately anyway.

The State Rep. Joe Mitchell Center for Tolerance
What the city needs now is a place where everyone can participate in open dialogue. And I don’t just mean the – ahem – “slave-holding, murdering, adulterous, baby-raping, incestuous, snaggle-toothed, backward-a**ed, inbreed, imported, criminal-minded kin folk, ” as Mitchell renamed a demographic in his infamous email, but everyone.

Bikini Babes Barge Wash
With all the floating port-o-lets and combustible containers traversing our river, sometimes your mind drifts to a faraway place where, during a bar pilot’s pit stop, you could kick back and watch bikini-clad lovelies do their best “wax on, wax off.”

That Whole Foods We Keep Hearing About
You know the one. You probably first heard about it five or six years ago, when it was coming soon to Airport Boulevard. Then, it was in the works for Spring Hill. The latest rumors were stoked by the company itself, and we’ve identified the perfect, scenic location for the store.

Window-Washing Academy
Granted, with the freaky misfortunes surrounding the port area lately, this might not be the safest proposal. Never-ending cursed luck aside, this could be the perfect headquarters for the Window Washers Society of America (slogan: “We’ll wipe your glass!”) training grounds. Everyone benefits.

Life Raft for Cruise Lines
Let’s face it – 251 is the first number cruise line executives dial when they’ve struck out leaving the bar. The Port City never says no. Sure, stop and (let your passengers) use the bathroom. Heck, why not just crash here for the next six months? We’re easy, and maybe it’s best to accept our role for what it is.

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